Honestly, I’m depressed. The feeling started coming on strong last night and seems to be sustaining itself through today. On any other given week my strategy would be to stay strong and move through it. I’d consider the situation a temporary FUNK – something we all honestly experience from time-to-time.
This is not a normal week.
On Saturday I have a race – my third triathlon. I feel weak, on the verge of breaking down both emotionally and mentally. That potential break down is spawning fear. This fear is taunting me trying to suggest that I’m breaking down physically as well. My right knee and calve want to believe the fear. They are flirting with being on the verge of being strained.
I’m not happy with what’s happening.
Yet, it is happening.
The entire situation has left me to ponder and within that practice this is what has come:
Find harmony through conflict. Allow conflict to lead to harmony.
This message is producing a resolve. It is inspiring me to completely let go of any expectation or outcome for the race. It has given birth to an intention to:
Fall back into the current of flow and see where it takes me.
I’ve trained hard and diligently. In my soul I know my body is ready. My mental and emotional bodies are not. In order to engage “flow” I’m letting go. I plan to keep my eyes and ears open during the race, to be in observation mode and nothing else.
When I get back to blogging next week, I’ll let you know how that went.
It is not uncommon for fighters and other athletes to find their bodies shutting down in a self-preserving effort to build a reserve just before competition. Knowing this makes it easier to normalize what is happening. It assists in quieting the hungry hounds of fear barking at the door of my sanity. It does not diminish the belief I have that a larger lesson of letting go is being presented. I trust. I trust myself to know that fear is asking me to build an arsenal, to summon up drive and resolve, yet for now, it is time to rest and see what is to come.